Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

A French press is when you hug naked

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.