My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity