My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Realize this:
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
#NeverForget
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming