Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

at ease…shoulder.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.