My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
All excellent questions
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”