My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Writing, She Murdered.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You are what you delete.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
called in thicc to work this morning
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy