Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*