My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
selfie game
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles