My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star