Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catering service

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces