My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!