My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English