My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.