Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized