My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”