My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
#growingpains
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me