My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Something Saturday.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
my dad has had enough
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”