My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.