My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Meme Monday.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE