My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat