My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Goodnight 🐶
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.