My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said