Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

go easy on yourself <3

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-