My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.