Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

As the Lord intended

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?