My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!