My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”