My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
how to exercise your calf muscles
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
