Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

So inspired right now.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.