my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?