My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.