My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche


[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”


I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid


I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”


ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button


ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it


[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.


Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…

“I made coffee”