
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
Found $0.83 under my pillow.
It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Her: I’m a model.
Him: Oh cool, what agency?
Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.
Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.
Her: Oh what, in the army?
Him: No, Call of Duty.