Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
You Might Also Like
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“When it comes to racism…”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…
“I made coffee”