My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

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I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over


Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.


As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.


Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.


Found $0.83 under my pillow.

It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.


coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]


I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.


I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.


Her: I’m a model.

Him: Oh cool, what agency?

Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.

Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.

Her: Oh what, in the army?

Him: No, Call of Duty.