@daddydoubts
@AndyRichter Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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@AndyRichter 
@deardilettante [hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
@Stand_Up_Shots “When it comes to racism…”
#MitchHedberg #MitchMonday
@Nikkeya08 I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
@SteveSuckington I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
@AndyAsAdjective Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
@AbrasiveGhost ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@1followernodad [at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
@i_Lean When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
@turtledumplin Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…
“I made coffee”