My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
WHO DID THIS?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??