My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
😭😭
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Welcome to the stomach
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.