My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain