My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello