My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.