My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.