Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

They’re the worst 😩

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.