My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
who will stop them
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome