Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox