Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”