My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito