Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Möther may I have a snäck

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*