My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
School be like
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
That’s what I call a flat tire
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.