My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
technically true but not a great slogan
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.