Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Wow 🤣

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

could’ve been anyone

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …