Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”