My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.