My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You Might Also Like
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Rambo Rambow
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?