My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A bold strategy
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
