Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I have taken up painting

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.