Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

I’ve been lied to my entire life

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Have kids, they said

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

why am I working on Labor Day

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.