Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”