Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism