[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”