My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic