My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

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[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress


Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza


Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.


“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles


WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.


I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police


I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.