@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

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@TheHyyyype

[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress

@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

@BillMc7

Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.

@mostlysharks

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.

@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@Lisabug74

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

@liv_thatsme

I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.