My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
#SuperBowl
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
reviewed some movies recently
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.