[brainstorming movie scripts]
WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Hard to believe that January 2020 was only seven years ago.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?
ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.
I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.