Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

this is a sign that you need a union

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme