Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

This trial is so absurd 😭

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.