Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else