My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Amazon review: Amazon river
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