Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

(Musicians.)

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.