My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
it is time once again
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.