Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.