My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
gm
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.