My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart