My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
smh
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
sign of the times 🖊
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?