Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

thanks auntie mary

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off