My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
this could fix me
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”