My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My work here is don’t.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair