Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married