My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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