My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
grandparents are too precious for this world
