Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.