My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Easy enough.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again