@audri_em

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@jonnysun

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

@10kbabyspiders

Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.

@1MeLrO

I wrestled a Gator today

Okay bathed my cat

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports