My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
thats my bad
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?