My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
![]()
You Might Also Like
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
![]()
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
![]()
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.